The Narcissistic Mother: One of the Most Frightening of All Personalities
For most of us, the first interaction we experience in our lives is with our mothers. It is through her nurturing, support, love, and attention that we first begin to develop a sense of self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, and emotional intelligence. But having narcissistic parents can interrupt that personal development in a bad way.
A strong relationship with our mothers provides an example of how to interact with the world around us in a productive way- how to form relationships, empathize with others, and value the people in our lives. But a relationship that is abusive in any way or carries an undercurrent of emotional toxicity puts us at risk for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and low self-worth. If you have frequent memories of hearing things like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Oh, poor you. Did I hurt your little feelings?”, or if you’ve often thought throughout your life “Why can’t I ever be good enough?” it’s possible you may have a narcissistic mother [1].
What is a Narcissist?
Narcissism is a broadly-used term to describe someone who appears to be too full of themselves. As with most other personality traits, narcissism is viewed as a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere in the middle [2]. At the extreme end of the spectrum, you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others, NPD is actually quite rare. It can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional [2,3].
On the surface, people with NPD may appear to have very high confidence and self-esteem, but in reality, the exact opposite is true. A very fragile self-esteem leaves these people vulnerable to even the slightest criticism, and so they do everything they can to elevate their sense of self. To do this, people with NPD often do their best to associate with individuals who they view as gifted or special in some way, and they are constantly in search of excessive admiration and attention from others [2,3].
Read More: Anxiety Disorders May Be Caused By Exposure To Narcissistic Abuse
People with NPD may exhibit the following characteristics:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- The belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associated with special people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
- Exploitation of others
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
- Arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes [3]
NPD can have a negative impact on one’s work, relationships, and even finances. If they are not receiving the attention they believe they deserve, they will tend to be very unhappy and disappointed. These people often find relationships unfulfilling and many people do not like being around them. They can be high achievers, but their inability to handle criticism has a negative impact on their performance. In the face of defeat or criticism, they may withdraw or feign humility [2,3].
People with NPD experience a higher rate of substance abuse, and mood, and anxiety disorders, possibly because of their propensity to impulsive behavior and shame. Psychologists are still not certain what causes someone to develop NPD, but it can be treated with psychotherapy to help them relate to people in a more empathetic way. Treatment can be difficult, however, because often people with high levels of narcissism can be very defensive and have a difficult time acknowledging the problems with their behavior [3].
What Does a Narcissistic Mother Look Like?
Narcissism in motherhood can present itself in a variety of ways, all of which can make being the child of a narcissist incredibly difficult, and even dangerous to their mental health. A common behavior of a narcissistic mother is to invalidate the feelings, emotions, and achievements of her children. When her child tries to approach her when they are sad or have had their feelings hurt, the narcissistic mother will dismiss their feelings instead of offering comfort and advice. Sometimes, the child’s feelings will have been hurt by the mother herself, in which case she is likely to tell her child that they are being overly sensitive or dramatic [1].
Narcissistic mothers will dismiss their children’s feelings in order to manipulate the situation and dictate which emotions are acceptable for them to feel, eventually leaving them unable to identify their own emotions [3]. Children of narcissistic mothers constantly find themselves asking the question “Will I ever be good enough?”. This is because she always manages to find a fault in her child, despite their best efforts to impress her. In her constant need for validation and approval, she inflicts shame on her children so that they will continue to fight for her affection [3].